I know what you’re thinking. You are wondering what David did to cause Margaret to send him away from his comfortable bed and out to the living room. Most of you are thinking he has been messing around with another woman and got caught.
Well, you’re wrong. I didn’t get caught. I mean, I did not mess around with any other woman. I wrote the vows Margaret and I recited at our marriage ceremony and I meant every word of them. When I said, “. . . give you myself, my life and my love till death shall separate us. I vow to forsake all others and let none come between us.” I meant every word and death has not yet separated us so the vows still stand.
Now, don’t you all feel a little sheepish for having doubted me? Well, you should!
So now that you’ve accepted that I’m not a cheating rat you are probably still trying to figure out what sin I did commit to get ousted from my sleeping place. Did I get drunk and do some foolish thing that landed me behind bars for a night? No. I’m a non-drinker and have not had an alcoholic drink in more than 35 years.
Did I go on a gambling spree and blow next months mortgage? No. Although I enjoy a certain amount of gambling, I do very little of it. I don’t even buy lottery tickets.
Maybe I went out and made a major purchase of some item Margaret just does not think we need and can’t justify the spending for it. Well, you could have me here. But you don’t — not this time. I have been known to make purchases against Margaret’s will, but never got ejected from our bed for it. At least not yet.
If all of the above applies to you, that is to say if you’ve been thinking all those negatives about my character, you may be one of those persons who get all their exercise jumping to conclusions.
I’ve been sleeping on the sofa so Margaret can sleep better. I’ve had a cold or flu or some other temporary health disaster and my coughing all night long made it very difficult for Margaret to sleep. She didn’t kick me out, I volunteered to sleep on the sofa.
It has been tough for both of us. She still woke up sometimes when I coughed but not as much as she would were I laying beside her where I belong.
Everyday I would try to figure out what the problem was or some way to make me either get better or at least feel better.
Because of my sore throat I wanted smooth foods to eat. I asked Margaret to buy me some pudding. Because of high sugar content and the fact that we know artificial sweeteners to be even worse than sugar, she did not.
My forehead felt a bit warmer than is the norm so I checked my body temperature. It was 99.2 degrees. Nothing to be concerned about with that number.
After a few days and nights of this I thought I had the solution. Being an RN, I thought Margaret could administer this solution. I asked her to put me into a coma until this ended. She did not do it.
I checked my blood pressure. The systolic was higher than the diastolic. Nothing wrong with those numbers.
Margaret came home telling me about an incident with her two year old patient and chocolate pudding. All I could think of was to ask if there were any left-overs? No.
I checked my pulse. It was higher than my waist and less than my weight. Nothing wrong with those numbers.
I walked past the open bedroom door. I stopped. I looked in. I said, wistfully, “That used to be my bed.”
Margaret told me my cough was getting better. Of course it was, I’ve been practicing a lot.
I checked my temperature, blood pressure and pulse. Added them together and divided by my shoe size. The answer was just above my body mass index. Nothing wrong with those numbers.
I must be healthy, I just think I’m sick. Oh, dear! So I guess I have an even worse disease than the flu. Hypochondria. It has to be worse than the flu. Look at how much longer the name is.
So as I bring this to a close, I know some of you are wondering: Is he still sleeping on the couch?
I shall bring in the famous, 20th century poet, Derby (1941 to present — and beyond — I hope. If not I may fall dead at your feet at any moment.) Here is Derby’s poem “Questions” in answer to your question of where I am now sleeping.
It is good to ask questions,
With answers your knowledge will grow.
But pass this thought through your inquisitive mind:
Not all facts are yours to know.